Posted by: turtlebella | 19 April 2006

Sicker than sick

Can one die of flu-like aches.  I think I might.  I'm seriously in a lot of pain. 

It's like little aliens are scooping out my flwsh with dull spoons.  On my legs.  On my arms.  On the sides and back of my torso.  And the evil aliens are conducting biospsies of my tonsils- mainly the right one- to take back to their world to study.  They use very sharp needles to do this and apprently need many, many samples as they've been at it for almost a day now.  Swallowing is a special kind of torture.  If only the aliens would tell me what they want me to say…I'd say it already! Recently the aliens have begun tobu9ild small stuructures in my sinuses, of tiny yet weighty bricks.  Maybe they've decided to kae up permanent residence sine my tonsil and othe flesh is so fascinating!  And anyone sho has played Three Little Pigs for hours on end knows that brick houses are the strongest and least likely to be blown down by a big bad wolf.

On top of this my left han seems to have permanently fallen semi-asleep.  It tingles like it does when I'm feeling symptoms of carpel tunnel but it won't go away.  Most odd.
As I am in France, where a duck or to has recently been found dead of the avian flu virusd, I have naturally assumed this must be what I have.  It's okay if I die from it, as long as it stops hurting so much. I'm not sure what to do.  Eating is the torture of drinking water time fifteen.  I literally cannot spend time jumping from trays of seedlings to the holes I have made in the ground for them.  My body completely rebels and I have to lie down in the field and wish for the saviour to come soon (even though I don't believe in the – or any – saviour).  Reading while trying to ignor the needles and the spoons is nigh impossible.  Talking exacerbates the aliens, they don't like the vibration.  I guess it meses up their accuracy with their needles.  So that also leaves out moaning outloud while lying pathetically in my bed, a la Harry in When Harry Met Sally.  My eyes stay closed all the time – even as I type – since perhaps then I will fall asleep and ESCAPE.  Of course, this sometimes lead to the following sentences:

t ;ole vobratopms O giess. ot ,esses i[ tjeor acciracu/  Sp tjat a;sp ;eaves pit ,pamomg pit ;pdi wjo;e ;uomg [atjertoca;;u om ,u bed. a ;a Jarru om  

I'll leave this here.  And hope the next time my five readers read this blog I will be feeling better!  (I'm not asking for full recovery, just a marginal decrease in the alien population residing in my body!)



  1. From a sixth reader, I wish you a speedy recovery. You’re brave to write with the aliens in such close proximity.



  2. do they have a french version of nyquil? i think sleeping it off is your best bet to vanquish the extra-terrestrials.

    take good care of yourself, turtlebella!

  3. Maybe you need a custom exorcism. Like being sprinkled with holy chicken soup while a chorus of acolytes chants, “Aliens, be gone, depart.”

    Or is the chicken soup a bad idea with the whole bird flu thing?

    Seriously, I really, really hope you’re feeling better soon!

  4. Okay, that’s it, I’m going to swim across the channel to come rescue you from the flu and the aliens. Should be there by tomorrow morning! ;)

    Seriously though, I hope you are feeling much better soon. It sucks to be ill whilst you are away from home and have work that you have to do. Take good care of yourself.

  5. Ouch! That sounds awful – I hope that it goes away soon!!

  6. My poor chipmunk.. I hate feeling so powerless to help. It makes me also want to high tail it over to France (new readers: I’ve done something similar before, so this is no bluff!) and feed you chicken soup and generally nurse you back to health. But what would I do with our children, aka dogs? The soft headed one, I believe, is feeling a bit better. And the Big White and also Bartleby miss you greatly. As do I, my love…. Feel better soon!

  7. Hooray for Sqvirrel! :)

  8. hooray for sqvirrel, indeed!

  9. you guys are the best! I’m not feeling terribly better but I did go to the Doctor. Who had three words of English to my three words of French (not the same ones). But she was very nice. But you should have seen her look of horror when she looked at the back of my throat! She pulled me over to the mirror (she charmingly called it the glass), so I could see for myself. An woo-wee, those aliens are nasty! Like blue cheese tonsils. Maybe I’ve got French aliens from the moon! :) So now I have many meds to take, for fever, for infection, for pain, and one I’m not quite sure what it’s for. Hopefully I shall be on the mend quite soon.

    And I agree, the sqvirrel is the best, he DID rescue me last summer!

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